


Best Thing I Never Had

by merycula (thanksillpass)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Dark, M/M, Reincarnation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-14
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-15 00:32:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7198058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thanksillpass/pseuds/merycula
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Sometimes you look so sad when Gon isn't looking, brother.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Best Thing I Never Had

**Author's Note:**

  * For [clockworkmoon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/clockworkmoon/gifts).



Killua met Gon Freecs for the first time (or perhaps for the hundredth, he couldn't be certain) at the tender age of twelve, though there was nothing tender about him at that time; how could there be, if he had to sneak out if he wanted to see another human being that wasn't a blood relative or a trusted servant? Resenting his position and duty, Killua thought about running away nearly every day, and devised countless theoretically infallible plans, but you could never really escape the palace, could you? No, there was nothing tender about Killua, but his age was tender enough to make him fall for the servant boy with all the unstoppable force of the first love.

They never spoke, but Killua's heart beat faster every time he laid eyes on Gon, or heard his laughter. In spite of his thorough education, he couldn't find the right words to describe what he felt whenever Gon looked at him. When they brushed wrists, walking in opposite directions, pretending, Killua burned. He often shivered, breathless, at the mere thought of Gon – a boy who climb trees, dreamed of adventures in faraway lands, and was never afraid to look the imperial prince in the eye, to smile at him brilliantly, to touch and hold his pale hand open as he placed a cheap candy on shaking palm, never saying anything.

Other servants in the palace gossiped, so Killua knew that Gon was leaving. Jealous and heartbroken, he sometimes dreamed of going away with him, of seeing the world together, and he hated those dreams. He was aware that one word was all it would take for Gon to take Killua with him, and he allowed himself a few thrilling moments of indulging in the fantasy of them running across the court, holding hands and smiling. He wasn't naive. Near the end, he was careful to avoid Gon's hopeful and questioning gazes, finding cruel comfort in imagining Gon stealing him away in the dead of night, and knowing he wouldn't.

Killua wasn't sure if he truly understood Gon, if anyone could understand anyone else without words, but he liked to believe he did, that he had learned that boy in a endless string of previous lives, and he would know his heart everywhere, every time. Knowing with bone-deep certainty that Gon would never stay for his sake, that nothing could ever stop him from following that strange pull, stronger than anything Killua has ever felt, he decided to let Gon go. But his heart bled like an open wound, and the crown prince Illumi must have seen him look outside the window, wistfully watching the horizon of the unattainable hopes and dreams, one time too many.

Killua was still at the tender age of twelve when he witnessed Gon Freecs's public execution.

 

* * *

 

“ _Sometimes you look so sad when Gon isn't looking, brother.”_

_He and Alluka were trailing only a few steps behind Gon, and Killua held his breath for a moment, but Gon went on ahead, oblivious to anything that wasn't in front of him. Killua slowed down before turning his face to his sister, her big loving eyes filled with helpless worry, and smiled._

“ _I'm sad to part with him, just like I've always been sad when I had to leave you.”_

_Alluka shook her head, pensive. “That's not it.”_

 

* * *

 

 He was twelve again, next time. As much as his insane family tried to keep him sheltered, it was a world of close-knit communities and child services. The best his paranoid mother could do was home-school him, give him a strict curfew, run background checks on the neighbors, and poison his brain with lies he refused to believe in, but she couldn't keep him locked up. She couldn't lock up Kalluto either, nor Alluka, nor Milluki, if he ever wanted to go out; Illumi moved out a long time ago. Killua was free, even if he didn't understand why it meant so much to him.

He's never made many friends (he had been waiting, even though he hadn't – couldn't have – realized it), because there weren't many kids his age in the neighborhood – Biscuit was bossy, and much older in mind than she was in body, which annoyed and impressed him in equal measures, and Canary was great too, very responsible for her age, yet warm and affectionate, but she was afraid of Killua's parents. He was excited when he learned that a boy his age was moving in the house next door, hoping he would finally have someone to skateboard with.

Remembering Gon Freecss was confusing at first, as if through a haze, a silent ghost of a memory that made Killua feel incredibly, hopelessly sad. He often woke up screaming, his dreams bloody, but during the day, Gon was brighter than the sun, chasing the shadows away, and Killua loved him. Gon laughed a lot, invited Killua to stargaze on the roof, played with Kikyo's vicious dog, put band-aids on Killua's scraped elbows and knees, and beat up kids that called Alluka a boy. He was Killua's best friend, his first kiss, and every kiss after that; Killua was happy.

For three years, he believed this time would be different, even when aunt Mito announced that they were moving away. Ging could finally make a home for them, and Gon was overjoyed, because he wanted to be with his father, so Killua was glad for him. He was smiling when he climbed through the window of Gon's room, nervous and embarrassed when he tentatively sat on the bed. He believed Gon when he promised him, between kisses, that they would meet again, didn't cry. He did wonder if he was really free if he couldn't follow Gon once again.

Killua didn't flinch when Gon's car was hit by a truck barely three blocks away from his house.

 

* * *

 

“ _Ah, you caught me,” complained Killua, smiling fondly. “Would you believe me if I said that I had said goodbye to him a million times already?”_

_Alluka considered. He knew she wasn't thinking they've parted that many times in two years, that she was looking for a different explanation to Killua's question before giving her answer. He also knew it wasn't what he wanted to think, or talk about before he had to say goodbye for the millionth and one time._

“ _I'm joking,” he said, laughing. “You're right! Now's not the time to sulk, we should make the best of this trip. Let's go catch up with Gon!”_

_Alluka grinned happily, innocent and carefree again, and nodded, squeezing Killua's hand in hers._

 

* * *

 

 They were both twenty when Killua finally remembered. This time, they'd been together from the beginning, childhood companions, blissfully ignorant, always in danger and in love. Killua only remembered because Gon said he wanted to run away and live his own life – he was reminded so he could anticipate the outcome of that decision with agonizing clarity. Killua thought about stopping him, changing his mind, buying them more time. It was only for a moment, though; he's known Gon for centuries. Of course, he said, this time, they would leave together.

No one simply quit being yakuza, and certainly not people like them. As hard it was going to be for Gon, sold as a baby to pay off the debts of his father with his life, it was going to be impossible for Killua, the third in line to the bloody throne. He didn't care – for once, he wanted to be with Gon until the end, stay by his side, instead of merely watching, helpless and hollow. They made love, and they sneaked out in the middle of the night, holding hands and smiling, just like Killua had once imagined, lifetimes ago.

For a while, he was happy. Gon was everything, and everything was Gon, and together with him, Killua felt invincible; for a while. They couldn't stay long in one place, and they had to be careful contacting their friends – Kurapika managed to occasionally update them on the family's movements, but Leorio was under constant surveillance, which was rather insulting; as if Killua would go to his father's doctor if he was in need of medical assistance. They stayed with Kite's gang outside the city for a while, but they had to move again soon enough.

Eventually, Silva sent the Phantom Troupe to hunt them down. Killua was almost flattered, until it made him realize that following Gon has been a mistake. He wasn't supposed to be naive. The spiders hunted them for long weeks without rest – the best squad in the family, a resource not easily dispensed, certainly not on a runaway foot soldier of a lower rank, practically a slave. They should have given up a long time ago, and the only reason why they didn't, why Gon was still on the run, was that they were sent to collect Killua.

It was too late when they decided to part ways. Gon was gunned down. Killua lost a finger.

 

* * *

 

_As Killua prepared to have their picture taken, he thought about the impossibility of cheating fate; he's been toying with the concept in this lifetime for far too long already. He recalled how difficult it was to breathe when he finally remembered, how he dreaded the price for delaying the inevitable for so long, for surviving so much together, and apart (his blood chilled at the memory of parting ways once before), how he hoped that he would get one more chance to protect Gon, long enough to buy him some more time by abandoning him, cutting out the cancer that was Killua's presence. He didn't want to entertain the idea that Alluka helped Gon cheat death this time. He wasn't naive._

_He was glad he looked so happy in the picture. They all did._

 

* * *

 

There was a time they never met. Killua was already sixteen when he recognized Gon on an online forum for fans of extreme sports. He instantly became tired and miserable with the sudden knowledge he's never asked for, and he blocked the user ThexMasterxOfxThexSwamp, deciding to find another hobby. A few years later, somehow, he was there anyway, just in time to watch Gon kill himself while saving the life of a fellow competitor.

There was a time Killua cut down Gon's life himself. It was war, and Killua killed a lot of men and boys, he was very good at it. He recognized Gon the moment he pulled his sword out of his lifeless body, and he didn't kill anyone else after that. He collapsed in the middle of the battlefield, clutching at Gon's corpse, and cried, possibly for the first time in that version of his life. His youngest brother found him like that, scornful.

There was a time he was merely an accomplice, too young to understand. People say the families of psychopaths often remain oblivious until it's too late, and the nine-years-old him believed his brother when he said the friends he's been helping Killua find weren't interested after all. He met a lot of little boys and girls, and accepted their sudden departures, but he refused to let Gon out of his sight, so he witnessed Milluki strangling him.

There was a time Killua actively tried to be the end of Gon. The only son of a famous and controversial politician, a bright boy Killua inexplicably longed for, Gon was his mark, and Killua was determined to embrace his role, and assist in the triple assassination the best a scrawny thirteen-year-old could. He wanted to hate Gon when he turned his back on him, but no matter how hard he tried, Gon was the light of all his lives, snuffed out every time.

Some times were worse than others, and Killua was used to none of them.

 

* * *

 

_Killua didn't look back even once as they parted ways at the gate. Gon had always looked only ahead, and Killua was tired, maybe, of being the only one looking back – always the only one knowing, remembering, suffering. No, that wasn't why he didn't look back. He tried to smile at Alluka, to let her know everything was going to be okay, but his jaw clenched, and the corners of his lips turned downwards in spite of his best efforts. His eyes stung with tears._

“ _I don't understand, brother,” she admitted eventually, lost, voice wet and breaking. “You said you'll see each other again, that you'll always be friends. Why are you so sad? I hate it, brother. I wish I could take your pain away.”_

 

* * *

 

Other times, he was born waiting. When that happened, he often went looking for Gon, if he could. He thought, perhaps, they would have more time. Sometimes they did, sometimes not. It always ended the same, anyway. Once, he started running away from home in search of Gon as soon as he could reach high enough to steal cash. Everyone was always on drugs then, even his parents, and it was enough of a head start. Illumi always brought him back home afterwards, indifferently displeased with him, and angry at his own inability to comprehend Killua's motivations.

The older Killua got, the longer he could survive on the streets, but he was fourteen when he's finally found him. Gon was a nobody, and had nobody, but he was as radiant as ever, a bright light Killua still couldn't look directly at after so long. Gon loved his foster mom, but he was looking for his real father, and he hadn't eaten in a while, so he would let Killua fuck him for money. Killua blushed, heat flaring up in his gut, taken aback (but not disappointed, never in Gon), and bought him dinner. Gon was surprised but untroubled when Killua refused to touch him.

They lived on the road for almost a year before Illumi caught up with them. Doing odd jobs and squatting, Killua was content with this rough life as long as Gon was with him; he's been born waiting for him. They slept in each other's arms every night, and Gon would touch him sometimes, panting into Killua's ear that he wanted to, that he loved him, needed him. Killua loved the way Gon kissed his entire face, after, each kiss punctuated with a giddy chuckle, pure and bare affection nearly suffocating Killua with immense pleasure and indescribable fear it elicited.

When he opened his sleep-heavy eyelids to see Illumi's impassively curious face, he shivered partly in disgust, partly because he was cold – that was when the panic struck, when he realized Gon was no longer by his side. Hisoka, always leeching on the family because of the drugs, always high and dangerous, was pressing Gon into the wall with a feral grin, and Illumi held Killua down when he tried to help. He would go home, he swore, if they'd just let Gon go, he would come back without a fight, he promised. But Hisoka liked little boys like Gon, and Illumi didn't care.

Something in Killua died differently this time around, as he watched Gon getting beaten to death.

 

* * *

 

_Killua wiped his face with his sleeve, took a deep breath._

“ _Nanika,” he rasped. “When I die, make me forget him.”_

 

* * *

 

Killua met Gon Freecs for the first time at the troubling age of seventeen, though he wasn't very troubled at that time. Gon caught his attention by wearing the most atrocious green pants Killua has ever seen, but didn't exactly hold it for too long. Alluka teased him, as she always did whenever he looked at a boy for longer than three seconds, and it kind of made Killua's attention occasionally drift back to the stranger. He seemed nice – and cute, maybe, he added to himself, blushing – but that was about as far as Killua's initial conclusions went. When their eyes met momentarily, Killua flushed again, quickly averting his gaze in embarrassment.

“Do you know him?” Alluka asked, curious.

Killua shook his head. “No. Come on, let's go home.”

 


End file.
